November 2015

I’m better this way

People always ask me why its so hard for me to trust people. Sometimes, they’re nice in asking so, other times they are not.

I am not going to apologize for having trust issues.

Its like when someone tells me a secret of their’s they immediately  expect you to share your secrets with them and when you don’t, hell freezes over and apparently you are going to screw them over the first chance you get.

It seems to me like everyone has trouble trusting others. Which is why nowadays you only trust those on whom you have leverage. A safety net.

I’m not so cruel as to use you’re own secrets against you. And if you think I am, you should look into your own issues before pointing your fingers at mine.

Its not easy to live like this. I have panic attacks and my anxiety is off the  charts and I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. But I can’t.

Every time I think about letting some of my problems out I become so paranoid thinking about the possible disastrous outcomes that I end up having another panic attack.

I’ve almost forgotten what happiness feels like.

But I’m at peace with having random outbursts, rather than trusting a person then questioning their every move as a ploy to ruin me.

I’m better this way.


I’m used to it.

Whenever I go through a painful experience, I pretend to be OK. I fool everyone with my sarcasm and smile. Those who see past my façade try to get me to talk to them about what’s bothering me. They say talking about it helps.

But just the thought of trusting someone and talking to them, let it be my best friends. It terrifies me.

I’m scared to let anyone in because everyone who’s ever told me ‘I’ll never leave your side’ has left.

And in the end its always me who’s kicked to the curb.

The farther away I distance myself from trusting someone the safer I feel. Cause I know I can’t get hurt again.

Its not that I don’t want to trust.

I’m just sick of getting hurt, to the point where I can say ‘I’m used to it’.



Love, Heartbreak,Lies.

I’ve always had certain things about my life mapped out.

Like where I’m going to be in 2 years.

But I realized today that no matter how much of hard work you put into something, its only a matter of timing and perspective that sets us on our paths.

None of us plan on falling in love or out of love or the inevitable in between the both.

Love is such a powerful word and its one of the very few emotions which are capable of bringing change in a person.

When you love someone it makes you crazy, in a good way.

And when you’re in love with someone you can never be selfish with them.

But the worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them.

This can drive someone crazy in the worst possible way.

I’ve experienced my version of both of these emotions. And whenever we lose somebody we love we go to insane extends to find out where we went wrong. We search for the truth.

But I’ve realized it’s not love on which the strongest of foundations are built. It’s the decency of merciful lies.

Love, heartbreak and lies are all interwoven.

Trust Issues times 10

I was talking with a friend yesterday ranting about one of my many issues.

And the entire time he was patient in listening and supportive in answering.

But when I thought back to the conversation, I realized that every word I uttered was vague and whenever I even came close to letting someone new into my life I freaked and shut myself down and made some random sarcastic comment in the hopes to change the topic and it usually works.

I’ve let myself admit that I have major trust issues. I’ve had trust issues for years now.

And I’ve always thought that in time I’d get over it. But I’m only getting worse.

I’ve let go of the cause of these issues but I’ve been screwed over more times by “friends” than I can remember and now every time I even come close to thinking that I can let someone in again, anxiety cripples me.

What is the point of having friends whom you love and know love you….. If you can’t trust them?

The different stages of having a crush

Feelings are complicated. Because most of the time, we feel something and have no idea what to do about it or where and why that feeling originated.

It can be quite annoying. Trying to figure out what’s going on inside our own heads.

For example, when we like somebody.

It drives us crazy.

There are numerous steps to having a crush.

  1. Attraction-  We find our friends with whom we’ve had a totally normal relationship with for years hot.

2. Confusion – We struggle with our new found feelings towards a person whom we’ve never before thought of in a non platonic way.

3. Denial- We try to deny to ourselves that we have feelings for this person whom we’ve barely even noticed in a sexual way ever.

4. Obsession-  We obsess over our feelings and that inevitably leads to enhancing these feelings.

5. Unnecessary jealousy- Seeing our significant other with anything with boobs pisses the shit out of you and you’re still not entirely over your denial phase so this leads to more confusion.

6. Awkwardness- Even though that the person you’re crushing on probably has no idea on how you feel, whenever your around him it just feels like everyone is watching you and that everything single word that comes out your mouth is just plain awkward.

7. Obsession- And we are back to obsession. Only this time we over analyze everything that happens between us and our significant other.

And after these stages it depends on how things pan out.

You either have a happy ending or not.

Simple to say, but very hard to experience.


Flaws are limitless.

I’m not perfect, nobody is perfect.

The flaws within you make you who you are.

All that a visit to the beauty salon does is make a person’s facial factors more “attractive”.

No amount of anything can change our personality.

Even if you experience something powerful, it can only allow you to grow into certain aspects of your personality.

We can’t change our personality, we were born with it and will die with it.

Many people try to change their flaws, to better themselves are human beings.

But no one stops to think that maybe its these flaws that make you stand out from everyone else in the world.

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