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unostentatioustruth

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December 2015

What is true love?

In my skeptic opinion. True love doesn’t exist.

But I’ll try to look at it from my inner romantic’s perspective…

When you meet someone whom you can confide in, a person you know you can trust with your deepest secret or darkest desire and you know that they wont judge you.

When you feel like you don’t belong somewhere and just the presence of your significant other can make you feel at home.

When you spend an entire day with someone and at the end of the day after you’ve said goodbye, you miss them.

When you say the cheesiest things in the world to that person, words you yourself never imagined saying in a million years.

When you’re in a room the first thing you do is search for her/him.

When you’re palms sweat at the thought of meeting them but you’ve never been more excited.

When the thought of your significant other being hurt makes you wanna cry.

When  you can divert any conversation topic to talking about them.

This is what I imagine true love to be.

(Now, back to my skeptical, lonely, paranoid self)

True love is an imagination which very few people turn into a reality.

 

 

 

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Words hurt. Literally.

I’ve been treated like I was worthless and  the worst outcome of that is  I started to believe it myself.

Feeling like absolute shit on a daily basis and not being able to express how you feel can drive a person crazy, like it drove me, it still drives me crazy.

I’ve been hurt in every level I can imagine and the worst level of harm is harming yourself.

I tried once, to let go of my trust issues and confide in someone about my problem. The first thing they tried to do was to shove me into a therapists office and didn’t even bother asking me what could have possibly driven me to hurt myself.

Even if I had been asked that question, I cant explain my actions.

And I cant stop. I recently went through a phase where all I did was cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. It was unbearable. Not the crying part, the part where I felt utterly alone and lost and when I was on the phone with one of my friends I would almost tell them what was going on, but at this point everything that has ever gone wrong in my life so far has gotten mixed and sometimes I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I have so many choices to choose from.

Its almost funny, how once upon a time a paper cut would make me tear up but now I can rip my own skin apart and feel nothing at all. I mean obviously my body is in pain, but it seems so little to the mental relief I get. I’m not justifying my actions, I’m merely trying to figure out the reason for this and I think I have.

I cant stop because these scars I cause upon myself will heal but the pain seems never ending.

Started out divine and ended with a kick in the spine.

You brought me sunshine,

when I was drowning in the rain.

You made me laugh,

when I felt pain.

When I pushed all my loved one’s away,

you pushed yourself into my heart saying you were here to stay.

Love they say stays alive forever in time,

That’s what I thought we had when you were mine.

But I guess you forgot all our promises said

because when everything went off sight you turned your back on me like I was dead.

My life feels incomplete now without you,

but I guess that’s what I get for breaking down my walls for you.

I can’t let go

I wake up every morning wishing the day would end because the reality is that you’ve moved on and forgotten all about what we had.

I ask myself over and over again if I’m still in love with you. And that poses as a trick question.I’m in love with who you were and somewhere along the way he got lost and now I’m left with the version of you whom makes me doubt myself, who makes me feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I’ll never be good enough.

I know I should move on and maybe I even have. But I refuse to let go.

I refuse to let go of the way I felt about you.

I refuse to accept that what we had; so pure and perfect, is gone. I refuse to let go because you gave me so many beautiful memories and I don’t want to see you become just another memory.

If I do that I feel like I’ll be betraying you, the you I used to know.

I can’t let go because the way I felt about you is the closest thing to happiness that I have.

 

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