I’ve been treated like I was worthless and the worst outcome of that is I started to believe it myself.
Feeling like absolute shit on a daily basis and not being able to express how you feel can drive a person crazy, like it drove me, it still drives me crazy.
I’ve been hurt in every level I can imagine and the worst level of harm is harming yourself.
I tried once, to let go of my trust issues and confide in someone about my problem. The first thing they tried to do was to shove me into a therapists office and didn’t even bother asking me what could have possibly driven me to hurt myself.
Even if I had been asked that question, I cant explain my actions.
And I cant stop. I recently went through a phase where all I did was cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. It was unbearable. Not the crying part, the part where I felt utterly alone and lost and when I was on the phone with one of my friends I would almost tell them what was going on, but at this point everything that has ever gone wrong in my life so far has gotten mixed and sometimes I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I have so many choices to choose from.
Its almost funny, how once upon a time a paper cut would make me tear up but now I can rip my own skin apart and feel nothing at all. I mean obviously my body is in pain, but it seems so little to the mental relief I get. I’m not justifying my actions, I’m merely trying to figure out the reason for this and I think I have.
I cant stop because these scars I cause upon myself will heal but the pain seems never ending.