My friend told me that it was OK for me to trust someone and talk.
And that everything didn’t always have to be ok and that I didn’t always have to pretend like I’m fine.
And all I did was nod.
I mean I get it.
She’s concerned about me.
And I’m lucky to have someone who genuinely cares.
But what’s the point in talking about my problems? Talking about it doesn’t mean they disappear into thin air.
Talking about it isn’t going to make it all ok.
All that talking about it does, is I have to say my problems out loud, terrified that someone is going to hear, terrified of hearing the truth myself.
Talking about it only makes you sadder than before because it’s finally out there. Everything you’ve had bottled up splashes out like a fizzy drink. And then all that’s left is a mess.
My friend told me that it was OK for me to trust someone and talk.
Some people aren’t meant to be saved.
We want people to worry about us and when they do we push them away.
Because the very thought of letting someone in, trusting a person. Its very scary.
The fact that all a person says to you could be a lie. Just like the last time.
I am slowly destroying myself and no one has even noticed, so when one day I suddenly become visible to you and you come and inquire about my well being don’t expect anything.
You weren’t there when I needed you.
You believed my lies like the rest of them.
If you really cared you would’ve realized that the light in my eyes has long since burnt out.
If I really mattered to you I wouldn’t have to explain you’d just understand and even if you didn’t you’d be there for me holding my hand.
But all you did was walk, walk away from me when you saw the apocalypse hit and never turned back even when it missed.
This is what happened in the past and who’s to say the past won’t catch up with me again?
I’ve always had a hard time fitting in anywhere,
but after I met you, I feel like I belong.
I’ve experienced more pain than I can bear,
but you make my life seem like a song.
I’ve always been afraid of what people would say,
I’ve been judged and shoved and put through hell,
but through it all you’ve been the sunshine that makes my day,
when I’m with you I’m swell.
I won’t say its all okay, maybe it never will be.
But when I’m with you and you’re with me, happiness is all I see.
What are you supposed to do, when everything starts to crumble around you?
Because clearly what I do doesn’t work.
I get up everyday and pretend its all OK. I ignore the fact that when I’m left alone, even if for a minute tears spring to my eyes. I do this so I don’t seek attention. I really hate it when people tip toe around me as though I’m so fragile and am about to break any second (though this statement may be 100% true, I don’t like people acting like it).And I hide behind my well practiced ‘I’m absolutely fine and my world isn’t crumbling to pieces, so you can go now’ look.
I get degraded, then pretend like it doesn’t bother me.
I listen to loud music just so I can’t hear my thoughts.
I wish I was dead.
Then the next day it all happens over again.
What are you supposed to do when you’re left utterly and devastatingly alone and told that you are a waste of space?
What do you do?
My demons are back, stronger than ever. And they’re looking for a win. And I just may let them.
I’m so broken I can feel it.
I want to know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad and look forward to the day ahead.
Everyday is a struggle.
I’m drowning and its becoming visible.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
They keep saying that it’ll get better. But when?
And the time when I got asked, ” Who did what to you to make you put up a wall shutting off the rest of the world? ” all I could do was smile and shrug.
What else am I supposed to do?
This feeling of worthlessness, it won’t go away.
People try to distract me, to keep me happy.
But there’s so much pain and I don’t know how not to notice it, it never stops.
I’m sick and tired of trying to hide the mess that I am.
I’m not fucking fine. I look in the mirror and see nothing I like.
Behind my smile is a hurting heart, a broken soul and an empty void.
I might seem strong, but I’m deteriorating inside and out.
I’m the type of person that will sit in the bathroom and cry and then walk out like nothing ever happened.
I feel like crap.
And all I seem to be able to do is feel it.
It keeps getting harder everyday.
Running from the thoughts in my head.
Trying to keep myself from adding another scar to myself.
Being sad feels like the only emotion I’m capable of.
Feel like I’m being washed away by the catastrophe that imperishably stays by me.
I haven’t given up, I’ve just had enough.
I’m not waiting on my happy ending anymore, I’m just waiting for the end.
Right now, trying, talking, smiling, laughing, breathing. It all seems so pointless.
I’m standing between breaking down and trying harder.
No amount of sleep can cure me of the tiredness I feel.
The pain that started in my heart has now spread throughout my body. It all hurts.
Every moment of every day. It hurts.
The worst is being forgotten by someone you can never forget.
And one of the hardest things in life is having to decide whether to walk away or try harder.
And sometimes I just wanna give up and crawl under my covers and cry and cry till sleep gives me relief. But I’ll never tell anyone this. Because I know they won’t understand.
And I smile all the time so nobody gets to know how sad I really am.
I’m my own enemy.
I beat myself up.
And I can never say all this out loud.
Its best if everyone just ignored me.
Because when someone asks me “Are you OK??”
What I want to say is “No. I’m not OK. I’m falling apart inside out. I feel abandoned, hurt, like I don’t matter, useless, invisible, like I don’t belong and like no one cares and they’re all just pretending. And I’m afraid of getting forgotten because everyone I get close to ends up forgetting me.” But all I say is “I’m fine.”
People don’t really want to hear your problems, because they have their own problems to deal with.
So, I stopped talking about how I felt because I knew no one cared anyway.
A day celebrating love.
A day celebrating the feeling we all try to comprehend, but never can.
A day celebrating the joy alone bought by Love.
A day celebrating the feeling that all or most novels try to explain.
And for those without a Valentine, today can be considered a day of celebrating freedom or a day of thinking back on the good times.
And I hope everyone is spending this day surrounded by things they love, I know I am.
Ah, food, my savior and soul mate :’)
I lie awake tears welling in my eyes.
As the room starts to fill, I slip over to my lonesome corner.
Not that anyone noticed.
Being invisible comes in handy right now.
I lay down, curled up, tears falling uncontrollably.
Holding my stomach cause it hurts as I try to refrain from screaming out loud.
I already serve as a pain, the last thing I want is to be a bigger nuisance.
It feels like the pain, the ache in my heart is never ending.
I can’t confide in the comfort of loving arms, because I have none.
Fed up of the tears I make my final decision.
My eyes now swollen and bloodshot.
I can barely see the fading light.
The warmth of my blood keeps me awake.
And as I slip away, I reminisce in the good times.
Even though I had a tough ride, I still have happy memories.
My realisation comes too late,
as now no one can change my fate.