April 2016


I sense the air catch in my lungs.

I gasp desperately as I feel the walls closing in.

My vision turns to a blur.

I wake up with beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

The worst feeling now was I’d preferred the dream to reality.

Because as I wake up my nightmare begins.

And I begin my day looking into the past with regret, enduring the present with pain and waiting for the future to fast forward to the very end.


To Trust again.

I never saw it coming,

me falling in love with you.

I had forgotten what happiness felt like,

but being with you made that feeling renew.

Saw the world in brighter colors

every time your name was uttered.

Every glance you stole from me made me lose my mind into a mess like clutter.

We’re not meant to make it.

Of this I’m sure.

But this feeling I can’t shake it.

All I know is, without you my world would collapse from within my core.




The scariest monsters are those that lurk within our soul.

And if we’re careless they might win.

I’m stuck in a prison called reality.

Where the guards are the spawns of Satan.

And there are two ways to get out of this hell.

Either endure the never ending suffering
give up.

I’ve been holding on for too long.
With the familiar feeling of agony.

And it doesn’t matter whether my eyes are open or closed, all I see is the same darkness.

I’m playing a game I have no chance of winning.

And I’m tried of losing.

The concept of ending the game becomes more attractive by the second.

I’m drowning slowly, watching the world go on. With just enough air in my lungs to barely get through the day.

But I’m tired of pretending like I’m fine.

I’m tired of trying to be strong and hold myself together.

I just want the pain to end.

A sudden ray of sunshine.

Even after all my failed attempts to comprehend love.

Even after the unbearable pain and suffering love has caused me.

Even after all those sleepless nights and those other nights where sleep was achieved by crying to the point of exhaustion.

I’m still holding out hope on love.

Because no matter the pain and agony it causes me.

That feeling of overwhelming joy you get when that special someone looks at you like you’re all that matters, is almost worth it.

But we all have a breaking point and I can feel that I’m nearing mine.

But here’s to one last try at feeling loved and finding that person with whom there is no requirement of filters and who is like a wrecking ball made of joy that has you voluntarily take down the walls protecting your heart.

Here’s to one last chance at putting yourself out there and letting someone in and being vulnerable, but without a single doubt in your mind because you know it’s not a mistake.


I’ve let go of my final strand of hope.
I’ve lost my way.
Standing in a dark road looking ahead desperately trying to find the bread crumbs that have long since been gobbled up by my insecurities and never-ending problems.
I’m being walked through a path lead by doubts and crowded with fear.
I can’t see where I’m going.
And I wish upon the leaf of dread, fingers crossed, the place I end up in is an improvement to this present that is hell.


Looking into the past with regret, enduring the present with pain and waiting for the future to fast forward to the end.
It gets harder to keep up a smile everyday.
To laugh while doubts swirl my mind.
People say they’ll be there for me and protect me.
And all the while my instincts are screaming that the only protection I need is from those people.
I know not everyone is the same.
I know there is some good in the world.
But I still cannot truly let myself trust another.
Because after getting hurt over and again it would be stupid to let myself be vulnerable once more.


Pain is a visitor.

Misery a friend.

Loneliness is my constant companion,

and fear never ends.

Depression is a disaster.

From which I desperately run.

Only to fall into the trap of sadness and heart ache.

So, when I walk away from love it’s not because I’m shy.

It’s because love is the reason this circle of emotions have become my life.

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