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Heartbreak

Never After.

She grew up reading fairy tales, with happily ever after and the hope of a perfect life.

So, when she met him, her first love, she did what felt right, she have him her soul. Hoping they could be one forever.

But he wasn’t interested in that, he looked at her body, he memorized her curves. And once he’d gotten them, he disappeared.

And her soul returned shattered in a billion pieces.

And as life goes on, there came another into her life, and once she started to feel the same things she had before, she put up a wall.

She gave him her body, but never her soul. She never again lent another her heart, even when they wanted nothing more.

And in the end, she was alone, her soul dissipated, her heart hardened. And there she lay watching others living their happy endings, while nearing her own.

 

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Shame.

Is that really the best you can do?
You’re barely average.
Are you sure you want to eat that?
You should do something about your face.
Why are you even alive?
All these statements and questions.
All these words, I endured.
All these voiced thoughts and opinions I acted indifferent to.
Till I realized no matter what I did, those words wouldn’t disappear from within me.
Nothing to make go away the humiliation I felt when I looked in the mirror.
As I was sinking in self hatred edged on by waves of depression.
I walked over to the ends of the waters of misery and drowned peacefully.

Rain.

The most vivid memory from her childhood was rain.
She’d always felt the droplets upon her face. And when she’d opened her eyes, she remembered the lips of her mother curving into a strained smile.
Soon after, as her mother dropped, the rain stopped.
She grew up regretting that she had no souvenir of her mother’s.
But years later, wiping away her own tears, she realized there never was any rain, and those were no droplets.
Guess she’d been left with something after all.

21.

I would have done anything for you,

but that isn’t how I know that my love was pure.

The day I helped you get the girl you loved,

though it killed me to do so is how I know.

You and I may be history now and I’ve moved on,

but dark times are ahead of me and I may get lost.

It is at times like these when I recap on my feelings for you,

knowing I experienced love at its purest is my flashlight to make it out alive.

My heart is whole again with no thanks to you,

I’ve recovered from all you put me through.

I remember when you said to me ” Not now, give me time, give me till you’re 21.”,

Now I’m left with 21 scars reminding me of you.

 

 

 

 

Lost And Found

She felt dead inside,
roaming about aimlessly.
With nowhere to hide,
she faced the darkness fearlessly.

So used to the hate,
she was startled to find.
That her seemingly ferocious fate,
had in store for her love in kind.

Afraid, she let him pursue,
her walls had now vanished.
Her faith in life started to renew,
as he held her tight as though famished.

The sad, lonely girl had long since disappeared,
she was now brand new.
All the pain, hurt and fear,
compared with her overwhelming joy seemed few.

They Don’t Know About Us.

It’s frustrating,  how you seem so okay. 

While I’m struggling to keep myself sane.

It hasn’t been easy. Nothing has been since you turned your back on me.

People tell me that I shouldn’t miss you.

That I should be mad at you for the hell you’re putting me through.

But more often than that, they tell me “Just move on.”

Like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

And that is when I get mad.

They say it like I’m trying my very best not to.

They say it because they don’t know about us.

And they never will, because irregardless of the rumors they’ve heard and the stories I myself may have narrated.

No one will ever truly understand us. Because, they weren’t there. They can’t possibly know how you made me feel when you looked into my eyes like I was all that mattered.

When you held my hand and suddenly my world fell into place.

How you made me believe and do the things I’d never imagined.

How though, I want to hate you for making me cry,  I can’t because I love you too much to feel anything else.

No one understood then, and they don’t now.

And that’s okay.

Because they don’t know how we were. 

Come back?

You will always be my first love. Though I believed you would be my last, I was wrong. 

I know I should move on.

And I’m trying to.

But I can’t help missing you.

I can’t help but miss the way we were.

The way you made me believe in love and life with just one look.

I can’t help but tear up when I think about the moments we spent together.

I’ll move on eventually,  this I’m sure of.

But as of now, I miss you.

I miss us.

Where are you now? 

It takes all I have in me not to break down crying.

The hope that kept me going has died, and I can feel my fire burning out. 

I thought I would handle losing you with grace.

The truth is I want you to be happy, with all my heart.

But I can’t pretend that it isn’t killing me to see that it’s her who makes you happy.

I guess I thought that if I could feel so much for you that maybe, you might feel something back.

I was wrong.

Whenever I stumbled you’d be there to pick me up.

Now that you’ve let go, I’m lost.

Grief.

Hope kept me sane,
It had me believe.
Now it’s lost in a world so mundane,
And all I do is grieve.

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