Why am I like this?

Why do I torture myself, reliving things that I cannot change and people long gone?
Why do I not allow myself a moment of peace and silence, why do I circle back to destructive chaos?
Why do I feel incapable of joy and happiness, and sabotage the same because I believe I am unworthy….
Why am I like this?

The Days Pass By.

I stare aimlessly, letting the days pass me by.
Wondering how I got here, how things have changed.
Dwelling on the past, ignoring the present, sabotaging my future. 

Darkness behind the Sunshine.

My mind is as vast as it is narrow.
It can create beautiful things, but also get stuck on a minor fixation.
My mind allows me to see all the hope and possibilities that life has to offer, and yet destroys those very things with the doom and gloom within the glory.
Why can’t things just be easy?
Why can’t good things remain so?
Why does the bad always seep in?

Unknown.

They say we crave what we’ve never known.
Is that why the one thing I want out of life, is to be happy?

Live.

Every time I condemn myself for being weak.
I remind myself of the days I didn’t think I’d survive, the days I held onto life, fighting, struggling,  but surviving still.
So today, as I’m fighting once again, I remind myself.
I survived then.
I’ll survive now.
And I’ll keep going till I reach the day I don’t merely just get by but, where I live my life.

Why me?

I hate myself for asking “why me?”
I know there are people worse off, I know of those who have survived bigger hardships.
I know survivors.
Yet, when panic leaves me breathless and stuck in one place.
I can’t help but ask.
Why me?

Down Memory Lane.

Exploring the paths I walked many years ago, I remember the tears streaming down my face, the sobs I held within a breath, my sanity slipping away.
Looking back at those moments now, I realise, maybe I’m not where I want to be, but I’ve come a long way.

One of those days.

Some days it takes every ounce of control to not scream in agony.
To be composed, calm, collected.  It takes everything.
Most days I can fake it, I can make you believe that the turmoil bubbling within me is non-existent.
Most days, you’ll see me and find a happy soul, eager to take on life.
But some days, it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore. 

Empty.

This empty feeling never fades,
Growing larger by the passing days.
It’s become a constant, a thing I’ve grown into,
All colors are blurred, and I just see blue.

Is it me? Am I the problem?
Or is it a product of my minds boredom?
Be what may, the darkness has caught me,
And now I’m drowning in an unforgiving sea.

A New Perspective.

I closed my eyes and breathed in.
I felt my chest rise, felt the weight on them, felt my ribcage cry, felt the tension on my collarbones.
I felt how hard I was trying, without even realizing it.
And when I let out that sigh, one I’d held onto for so long.
I felt my shoulders relax, my mind calm down, my thoughts silenced.
I felt some, not all, but some of the weight lifted off my chest and I realized there was something I’d forgotten along the way.
Caught up in the chaos that is life, I’d forgotten to pause and breathe.